just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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