My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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