I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
