Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
