Yo dont text me then not text me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
