my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
