You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
