Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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