when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
