I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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