you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
