i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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