if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
His nipple licking is glorious
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
