you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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