yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
