So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
