So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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