Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There r osticjed everywhere
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
