just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
