it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
