take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
