At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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