batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
