her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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