I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
