She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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