I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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