Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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