I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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