Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
