good thing vaginas are great cup holders
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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