Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
