I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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