HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
