I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
