Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
