So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
