You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Terrible idea I love it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
