she kept yelling 'call me bella'
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
