I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
