She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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