While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
