I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
