dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
