I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
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He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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