i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
