Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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