He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
