He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
