I am spending my child support on dildos
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
