So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
