Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
