I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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