I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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