He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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