So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
